Family law
What Does 'Meet and Confer' Mean Before a Court Hearing?
Quick answer
Meet and confer is the expectation that you and the other party talk to each other and try to work out disagreements before asking a judge to decide. Many courts want to see that you made this effort before your hearing.
Researched by Dan Martin, Legal Researcher · Published by Onbello Legal · Last updated June 2026
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What 'meet and confer' means before a hearing
What 'meet and confer' actually means
Meet and confer is a legal phrase for a good-faith conversation between the two sides in a case. It does not have to happen in person. Depending on the situation, it can be a phone call, a video call, an exchange of emails or letters, or a meeting, though some courts prefer or require certain formats, and this varies by state and even by court.
The goal is to narrow the dispute. You might resolve the entire issue, agree on some points and leave the rest for the judge, or at least understand exactly where you disagree. Judges generally appreciate parties who arrive at a hearing having already tried to solve the problem themselves, because it saves court time and often produces outcomes both parents can live with.
When courts expect it in family law cases
In family law, meet and confer expectations often come up before hearings on custody, parenting time, support, and disputes over exchanging financial information or documents. Some courts require a meet and confer effort before certain types of requests can even be heard, and some ask you to confirm in your paperwork that you tried. Whether it is required, and for which hearings, varies by state and by local court rules, so check your state's guide and your court's local rules.
Meet and confer is different from mediation. Mediation involves a neutral third person who helps you negotiate, and many family courts require it separately for custody disputes. Meet and confer is just you and the other party, or your attorneys if you have them, communicating directly.
How to meet and confer as a self-represented parent
Reach out in writing when you can, and be specific. State the issue, what you are asking for, and what you are willing to agree to. Keep the tone businesslike, the way you would write to a coworker. Anything you write may end up in front of the judge, so avoid insults, threats, and rehashing old conflicts.
Keep records of every attempt. Save emails and messages, and note the date and outcome of any calls. If the other party refuses to respond, your record of reasonable attempts still shows the court you made a good-faith effort. If there is a restraining order or safety concern that limits contact, do not violate it to meet and confer. Tell the court about the restriction instead, and check your state's guide for how courts handle this situation.
What happens if you skip it
If a court expects a meet and confer effort and you did not make one, the consequences depend on the court. A judge might postpone your hearing and send you off to talk first, decline to consider your request until you have tried, or view your filing less favorably. In some situations courts can impose penalties for refusing to cooperate, though when and how that applies varies by state.
Even when it is not required, trying to confer is rarely wasted effort. Agreements you reach can often be written up and submitted for the judge to approve, which is usually faster and less stressful than a contested hearing. This is general information, not legal advice. For rules that apply to your case, check your state's guide or consult an attorney.
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Where to check this
Forms, deadlines, and local rules change. Verify anything on this page against the official self-help resources for your state before you rely on it.
This page is general legal information, not legal advice, and does not create an attorney–client relationship. Laws and local rules vary and change. For advice about your situation, consult a licensed family-law attorney in your state.