Family law

Recommending vs confidential mediation: which kind does your county use?

Quick answer

In many places, parents in a custody case must meet with a mediator before a judge decides. What you say in that meeting may stay private, or it may end up in a report to the judge, depending on the type of mediation your court uses.

Researched by Dan Martin, Legal Researcher · Published by Onbello Legal · Last updated June 2026

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Recommending vs confidential mediation: know which kind your county uses

What confidential mediation means

In confidential mediation, sometimes called non-recommending mediation, what you and the other parent discuss generally stays inside the room. If you reach an agreement, it can be written up and sent to the court. If you do not agree, the mediator usually tells the court only that no agreement was reached, and the judge decides without hearing the mediator's opinion.

Because of this, many parents feel freer to talk openly, brainstorm, and test ideas. There are usually some limits on confidentiality, such as concerns about child safety, and those limits vary by state.

What recommending mediation means

In recommending mediation, if the parents cannot agree, the mediator may write a report or give the judge a recommendation about custody and parenting time. Some people call the mediator in this setup a child custody recommending counselor, though the name varies by location.

Judges often give that recommendation real weight. So everything you say, how you act toward the other parent, and how focused you stay on your child can affect the outcome even when no agreement is reached. Treat the session as part of your case, not just a casual conversation.

How to find out which kind your county uses

This varies by state, and in some states it varies county by county. Check your court's family law self-help center or website, read any notice or order sending you to mediation, or call the family court services office and ask directly whether the mediator can make a recommendation to the judge.

Ask the question before your appointment, not during it. Knowing the type ahead of time helps you decide how to prepare and what to bring. Check your state's guide for details on how mediation works where you live.

How to prepare either way

Whichever type you have, come prepared with a proposed parenting schedule, your child's school and activity routines, and specific, child-centered reasons for what you are asking. Stay calm, keep the focus on your child's needs, and avoid attacking the other parent.

If you are in recommending mediation, assume your words and tone may be described to the judge. If you have safety concerns, ask the court ahead of time about options such as separate sessions. This page is general information, not legal advice, and Onbello is not a law firm. Consider talking with a licensed family law attorney about your situation.

Specifics by state

Family law is state-specific. The general idea is similar everywhere, but the forms, rules, and deadlines vary by state. Here is this topic in the states we cover in detail.

Tools and resources

Where to check this

Forms, deadlines, and local rules change. Verify anything on this page against the official self-help resources for your state before you rely on it.

This page is general legal information, not legal advice, and does not create an attorney–client relationship. Laws and local rules vary and change. For advice about your situation, consult a licensed family-law attorney in your state.