Family law
How Do You Co-Parent With a Difficult or Dishonest Ex?
Quick answer
Co-parenting only works when both parents are reasonably honest and reliable. When one parent lies, shows up inconsistently, or keeps pushing personal boundaries, the goal shifts from cooperating to protecting your kids and your own sanity with structure.
Researched by Dan Martin, Legal Researcher · Published by Onbello Legal · Last updated June 2026
Switch from co-parenting to parallel parenting
Co-parenting assumes two parents who can talk things through and coordinate. Parallel parenting is the fallback for high-conflict situations. Each parent runs their own household during their own time, contact between the parents is kept to a minimum, and the court order (not a conversation) decides how things work.
In practice that means you stop negotiating in the moment. Exchanges happen at the time and place the order says. Schedule changes go through a written request, and if the other parent does not agree in writing, the order stands. This removes most of the openings a dishonest or manipulative ex uses to create back-and-forth.
Parallel parenting is not a failure. Many families who start there move back toward cooperation once the conflict cools, and many do fine staying there for years.
Put everything in writing and keep it about the kids
Move all communication to text, email, or a co-parenting app, and keep it to logistics: pickups, school, medical, activities. Do not respond to accusations, personal comments, or attempts to rehash the relationship. A useful test before sending anything is whether you would be comfortable with a judge reading it, because someday one might.
Short, neutral, factual messages are the standard. "Confirming pickup Friday at 6 at school" is enough. If the other parent claims you said or agreed to something you did not, the written record settles it instead of turning into another argument.
Keep a simple log as well: dates the other parent was late, no-showed, changed plans last minute, or made concerning statements. A notes app or a calendar works. You do not need to do anything with this log right away, but if the pattern continues it becomes the basis for changing the order.
Set boundaries and hold them
Boundaries only work if they are consistent. If an ex keeps trying to restart a physical or romantic relationship, the clear answer is that the relationship is over and the only topic between you is the kids, said once in writing and then not debated again. Mixed signals, even unintentional ones, keep the door open and make everything else harder.
The same applies to a new partner. You cannot control who the other parent dates or lives with, and courts generally will not intervene unless there is a genuine safety concern for the children. What you can control is refusing to discuss the new partner, and documenting anything that actually affects the kids, such as the children being left in that person's care during the other parent's time when the order does not allow it, or the kids reporting something unsafe.
Inconsistency with the children is painful to watch but usually not something a court can fix directly. What courts can do is adjust the schedule to match what the other parent actually does. If they regularly skip their time, the order can be changed so the kids have a predictable routine instead of waiting on someone who may not show.
When to consider changing the custody order
Most states let a parent ask to modify custody or the parenting schedule when there has been a meaningful change in circumstances since the last order and the change would be better for the kids. A consistent pattern of missed time, repeated last-minute cancellations, or an arrangement that no longer matches reality is often enough to ask.
Before filing, many courts require or strongly encourage mediation, and it is often worth trying. A neutral mediator can turn a vague, fight-prone arrangement into a specific written schedule with exchange times, holiday rules, and a process for changes. A detailed order gives a dishonest ex far less room to maneuver.
If you are planning to ask for a modification, go in with your log, your written messages, and a concrete proposed schedule. Vague complaints about lying or character rarely move a judge. Documented no-shows, a clear schedule proposal, and a focus on the children's routine usually do.
Tools and resources
Where to check this
Forms, deadlines, and local rules change. Verify anything on this page against the official self-help resources for your state before you rely on it.
This page is general legal information, not legal advice, and does not create an attorney–client relationship. Laws and local rules vary and change. For advice about your situation, consult a licensed family-law attorney in your state.